Of Snails and Emperors
by Ayumi Ikari
Summary: Toshizou Hijikata awakes after a night with to much Sake, not sure if he is still drunk or not...
1. Chapter 1

He had no clue about how long he had been sleeping when he dragged himself out of the futon. He could barely remember anything what happened last night. It had been a long night. A long night with too much Sake. A long night with too much Sake and a girl. A girl whose face he couldn´t remember at all. Not to mention her name.

He had severe headache , but still was happy that he had been so clever to decide to stay the night at the Shiekan and hadn´t return home in the night. His sister would´ve been a real pain in the neck and sooner or later she would´ve began to speak about a certain topic which he couldn´t stand: marriage.

Still a little dopey he opened the shoji-door to the garden and was blinded by sunlight in an instant. Blinking he stepped on the engawa as a cracking sound was ranging. Suddenly two things happened at the same time:

He felt something slimy at his bare feet.

Also he heard the horriefied outcry of a child very well-known to him.

„Noooooooooooooooooooo. You killed the Emperor!"

To be continued...

Any ideas who will be the well-known child? :-)

Hi everyone! Since a few months I´m back to fanfiction writing. Sorry for my bad english, I tried to translate my own fanfiction "Morning Madness" which is written in german, my original language. Unfortunately my last english lessons were about ten years ago^^°

This story will turn out rather crazy, I hope you like it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

„The Emperor?"

The blinding light vanished behind some clouds, allowing Toshi to see his surroundings more clearly. It must have rained this morning since the garden was still covered with rain drops.

Just a few meters before the engawa he spotted the two troublemaker who are always eager to mess with his life.

„You killed the Emperor!" Tama shouted at him, with all the anger a three-year-old could come up with.

Right next tor her, Souji had folded his arms and nodded approvingly. His concerned countenance was betrayed by the mischief twinkling in his eyes.

If only for Toshi, he was full aware that Souji had great fun at the moment.

He questioned his sanity as he looked down to the engawa. Maybe he had too much sake last night...way too much sake.

Just next to his feet was a parade of snails. Yes, snails. It must have been about fifty ore more. Big snails, little snails, snails with a house and snails without.

The trail of snails was almost as long as the Shoji-door of his room.

Without question, they didn´t appear in this formation just before his room out of nowhere.

„What the heck -"

„We were gathering them all morning long for the procession !" Tama cut off Toshi with disgust. „Now the Emperor is dead!"

Well...the Emperor. Without any doubt that one must have been the biggest snail with the biggest house, which was now stiking under his feet. A mess consisting of slime, a ripped snailbody and splitter of its snailhouse.

„That was a silly thing to do, Hijikata-san!" Souji blamed him. „ The procession is worthless without the Emperor."

„This whole thing was worthless from the beginning. What were you two thinking by putting those just right before my door?"

Tama still looked at him furiously, but didn´t have the heart to say something.

But in fact, that wasn´t necessary at all. It seemed that Souji was eager to jump in to irritate Toshi even more.

tbc

Is anyone reading this mad story at all? ^^°

Next chapter: Souji explains everything! But will this calm Toshi down?


	3. Chapter 3

„Oh please, Hijikata-san. These ones aren´t simply snails." Souji started to explain.

„These are the Emperor and his retainer. They come to visit the Shogun in Edo. We searched all morning long for snails to make the procession as great as possible. There weren´t many in the garden, so we had to catch them from the street and the fields. The ones without houses are the advanced guard, next are the standard-bearer and then..."

Soujis words turned in an endless swoosh in Toshis head. He had always known that this guy was out of his mind. And he also had always hoped that this would change in time...but until now, it had never happened.

The more Souji aged, the more Toshi questioned if he would ever come close to a sane mind of an average adult.

„...but you destroyed everything!" Souji ended his flood of words with a accusingly voice.

The fog in Toshis head slowly vanished, thanks to the anger that was rising in him.

„Apart from that, why has the procession to take course right before my room? Furthermore, even you should know that the Emperor never goes on a journey. He lives in his palace in Kyoto and never leaves it. So it has been for hundreds of years. If only for the meeting, the Shogun had to visit the Emperor, not the otherway.

Souji rolled his eyes.

„Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, Hijikata-san. But Tama-chan wanted the Emperor to visit us!"

„Do you even listen to your own nonsense? The enthusiasm of a three-year-old, alright. But why has the Emperor happened to be a snail passing my doorway?"

„Because Tama-chan wanted to see the Emperor and his procession ." Souji started from scratch,

making Toshi aware the he would lose his patience with those kids soon.

„Since the real Emperor would never come to Edo – yeah, I´m aware of that – and since there won´t be any other procession the next weeks, I wanted to re-enact a procession for Tama-chan." Souji finally explained.

„An Emperors procession, existing of snails? Do you even know what an insult this is?"

„But we couldn´t use stones, because they can´t move. So it had to be animals.

Of what animals did you think of?"

„I didn´t think of any of that nonsensen, you-"

Toshi was furios.

Souji, who was perfectly aware of that fact, gabbled on.

„We couldn´t use insects, because they would have flown away and as for ducks or rabbits, we couldn´t have ever caught as many as for a procession . So we had to look out for an animal as slowly as possible. Therefore, snails were the best choice and plenty of them were available since it had rained tonight."

Maybe Toshi was still laying dead drunk in the middle of nowhere or in his futon. He hoped for it since he was eager to awake from this nightmare or to knock some sense into Souji. Both possibilities seemed to be inviting to him.

Smacking Souji seemed to be a bit more satisfying, Toshi finally decided but at that very moment his best friend came to save the day.

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

„Ah, Toshi, you´re finally awake!" Isami glanced at his children and his best friend and started to laugh.

„What about that many snails?"

„Toshi killed the Emperor!" Tama said in reply.

„Well, last night Yamanami-san had told us about the procession of Shogun Iemitsu about 200 years ago, when he visitited the Emperor in Kyoto." Souji startetd to explain. „This morning Tama-chan told me that she eventually would like to see a procession. And she would like to see the Emperor coming to Edo so that we could go and see him. But this will never happen anyway and there will be no other processions the next few weeks. Therefore, I wanted to re-enact a procession of the Emperor for Tama-chan."

Once again Toshi was impressed by Soujis acting abilities. The second Isami encountered them, Souji had turned into the sweet little brother that Isami liked to see in him. This sweet little boy didn´t exist at all and everybody except Isami (and maybe Tama) was well aware of that. But at that very moment Soujis eyes were shining with pure innocene and he spoke with so much enthusiasm as if there wouldn´t be anything more important in the world as to fulfill the wish of a little girl ( who would have forget about this wish in a few days anyway). Even Toshi had to admit that Soujis performance was most convincing.

Hearing the explanation about this mess, Isami couldn´t help laughing. Toshi knew he had lost this stupid game.

„That was very nice of you, Souji."

Like Toshi had expected, Isami falled for Soujis passionate explanation. That the whole point of this stupid situation was to make him literally get up on the wrong foot would never cross Isami´s mind. Toshi didn´t bother to tell his side of the story, he knew his best friend wouldn´t take it seriously anyway.

"Please suspend the snails later and clean the engawa."

was all Isami had to say before he returned to the dojo.

„Haaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiii" Souji and Tama answered simultaneously, both beaming with joy.

„But at first, we´re going to search a new Emperor!" Souji declared after Isami had left.

Before Toshi could talk back, he took Tama by the hand and run with her towards the fields. Just before they were turning around the corner, Souji stopped and turned round to Toshi, grinning confidently and then sticked his tongue out at him.

„YOU-" Toshi started in rage, but Souji started to run again and disappeared with broad laughter out of his sight.

„See you later, Hijikata-san! Better watch out if you step outside your room next time!

Owari :-)

* * *

><p>It was fun to translate my on ff, but my english was so much better years ago. Hope you liked it anyway, my sister thinks this story is too crazy. But I think it goes well with Soujis character in Hakuoki. Poor Hijikata-san:-)<p>

As for Tama, I had to change her age because if I remember correctly, she was only about one year old when her father and the others left for Kyoto. So my story takes place before they left, with Tama about 4 years old and Souji being about 17 years old.


End file.
